You Need To Stop Texting... Now!
Stop Texting!
The real reason why he flakes out on you...
Guys, for the most part, want a girl to put them in their place, to challenge them, and, of course, love them. They just don't know this, so they try to be the boss of you, complete with their own misunderstandings of how a relationship should work.
This digital age is a marvel of technology... and I'm not trying to change your life in one single way... except:
STOP texting the guys you like!!
He texts you, you reply and text him back, maybe you have long text conversations that really go nowhere. Or maybe a couple of months of cell phone texting being the main form of communication, through whatever mobile types of phone you use.
"Texts" are just hints to a whole story. They are nudges that try to turn into something. Emotionless words typed from a guy that just can't be bothered to dial you up and actually talk to you on your voice.
The guy you like, he likes to text you a lot. Why?
You want to read this now:
- Stop Texting, they have your phone number, make them use it, and call you back promptly. But don't answer the text for a minimum 24 minutes.
And keep your reply short to this: Say "Call me back from your phone, no texts right now please."
Now he has to talk with you, verbally. No more hidden meanings and unknown answers, better verbal and voice tone clues, complete with nervous silences and "hems and haws" waiting for words to come out of his voice box.
Pay particular attention to the way he says what he says. Listen to the tone of his voice. Use these verbal clues and his open/closed body language when you're in front of him.
This will tell you much more than you could ever get from a text message.
Ask any body language expert, and she'll tell you that communication is 90% non-verbal, 10% verbal. When you are face-to-face with a person you can decipher their body language and, right or wrong, you form a realistic image of them in your mind.
When talking with someone on the phone, your ability to decipher what they mean, the emotion in their words, is curtailed. Not so much information comes your way but you instinctively can decode their emotions through the tone of their voice. Happy, sad, angry, worried, it's all revealed through the vocal cords, the breaks in the flow of words, etc.
When you're texting someone, you lose the majority of the ways you can identify with what the person is going through at the moment they are sending you that text message.
When you receive the text message, well, a bit of fantasy invades your logic center and you immediately, based on past experience with the person and (a big AND) you add the emotions you assume are hidden behind the words.
Is he happy, sad, angry, shy, pensive, worried, excited, adventurous? The text doesn't tell you, so you automatically add the emotions, or lack of emotions, to the text you received.
And, surprisingly, your imagination fills in the required emotions that were not sent in the message. Here are few examples of text that there are very little clues to what is behind the words:
what are you doing?
do you want to do something later?
blah blah blah
And you automatically fill in these emotionless words to something more pleasurable to handle. Sometimes not so accurately too.
Here are the rules for relationships and texting:
- text messaging are only allowed if it's an emergency
- text messaging cannot continue beyond receiving his message and you texting him back telling him exactly when to call you back. No matter what message he texted you, reply a few minutes later (you don't want to think you're just sitting around waiting for him to contact you, right?) and always say this: "Call me in 10 minutes (or another designated time) and make sure he sticks to that call and time.
- If he doesn't know what to do together "later on" you MUST have a chosen thing to do. Example: he calls you after texting you. He says "Do you want to do something later?" and you should reply, always, with a plan "I want to go to the 7:20 movie and then have a dessert after the movie. Pick me up (or meet me at...) 6:30pm. See you then, by."
As a woman dating the usual guy that doesn't have a clue about how to treat women, then it's you have have to step up and make the choices when he can't or won't:
You choose what and where to go.If he "hems and haws" about anything, gives you a "whatever" or "some other time", just say "Oh, that's OK, I can get one of my girlfriends to go with me" and end the conversation quickly. And go according to your plan.I want you to know this secret:
Guys are very fragile creatures with their emotions being something they don't understand, for the most part. They are extremely afraid of any type of rejection from a woman, especially any woman they have an interest in.
And here's another secret, one you can use any time, all the time.
Everyone is more scared than you are, all the time.
Everyone is afraid of rejection.
Unless you're some type of a "freak or geek" people need human companionship to survive. And that fear of rejection, of not being respected, not being admired by your peers. Everyone is more scared than you are.
So no matter how nervous you are, everyone else is more nervous. Knowing this should give you much more confidence and power in your everyday life, especially when meeting new people. Stare past their facade and know that they are more scared than you are.
You'll be a winner from now on! And get what/who and where you want.
Back again to the topic at hand.
When you can end the hold of your texting habit and convert those messages from a guy into a follow-up call from him, you will gain the upper hand in the budding relationship and have better control over the things you do, with him as a boyfriend, because you've been strong and laid down the ground rules for how to you will be treated, how he will respond to your requests.
I am sure that he doesn't ask you to go places. He might "hem and haw" or give you the old "well, what do you wanna do?"
This is where you have to be prepared and have a plan ready. You respond "I want to go here for dinner then go see this movie". You have a plan. You are a strong and decisive woman.
If you're just starting to hang out together, plenty of text have been exchanged BUT if you ask him if he'd like to do something then he's got to check with his friend(s), and see if you can join them, with all these emotions and all these texts flying around and you're last in the link. That sucks. You're fifth wheel or worse!
In this article I have been discussing how women can make men, grown men, decide to do what it is that you want to do, (keep sex out of dating because you need to understand each other before you take this step of making a baby!) and remember that I am the person saying that it's OK for you to do this (I'm the guy that's on your side!).
Think about texting messages again:
It's sms communication of common words that have different abbreviations so that you can make a long message short. Very convenient to get messages to the right people and fast responses. Teens and twenty-somethings live and die by text messages.
Well, maybe not die but certainly live by the next message. That's good, that's what Twitter and texting is all about.
It is not about romance, daring, planning a life with that special someone.
Do you want to know why?
Because texting allows only a small 2 - 4%of the total communication emotional and logical content to come through and with that low of emotional content there is also a corresponding lowering of the "rejection fear" guys have with women.
Most guys have an insane fear of rejection by women.
This is why guys prefer texting to other forms of communication.
Email and text. It's safe, quick and you don't have to deal with the fact that you're putting the other person in a spot where they may disagree, make a face at you, and just walk away. Rejection at it's finest.
Texting does not allow such a close contact, thus no fear of rejection on his part.
While this may seem to be playing guys on a line... trust me, every guy likes to be helpful and gain more approval just like a small puppy, but you need to to be the strong one. Guys, for the most part, want a girl to put them in their place, to challenge them, and, of course, love them.
You can do this, now you know the secret.
Put it to work, change your life.
And for even more empowering information for today's dating woman I invite you to read the ebook "Catch Him & Keep Him - A woman's guide to finding Mr. Right... and keeping him hooked for good."
Honest information about dating men... and even more great tips on managing your life with or without men.
If you'd like to take your success with men and dating to the next level, and find how to create the foundation for the relationship that you've always wanted, then go here: http://www.gethimnkeephim.com
Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Robert Lee
This Hub was last updated on November 7, 2011
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10 Signs that the Man is a Keeper
Communication tips during initial stage of dating : Early Stage Dating Tips
Moving On, Getting Closure, Letting Go - Relationship Advice
Relationship Help: Effective Communication Tips
Advice on Dating: Does she like me? - How to know if she's interested
How to Make Your Boyfriend Feel Special
Are You Placing Undo Pressure On Your Relationship?Follow (11)Comments 148 comments
Thanks!
I think that a lot of women are too laid back, or I should say "unempowered" and they don't understand the control they can exert over their potential boyfriends and relationships in general. A woman that won't take any crap, that does not allow "whatevers", "sometimes" and general indecision from their men does have power over them when they take the riens of the relationship and make the choices for the men. Lead them do not follow!
Thanks this was very helpful. I knew I was texting this guy that I'm interested in too much.
You are so right. Thanks very helpfull indeed.
You can learn many more texting shortcuts and acronyms on this page: http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/chat_acronyms
Quite a lot of bold statements in this article, and I certainly love how it manages to contradict itself in places. I saw 3 examples of this on the first read through, but the information is too much garbage to read again. This artcle defines what a whipped mam looks like. This article follows that theme throughout the whole thing. Talking or no communication? I suppose women are too good for texting now? Furthermore, texting is a form of literature, and to say emotion can't be displayed in literature, or that it's not as good as talking is absurd. However I suppose that's fitting considering this whole article is absurd.
Hello Sark,
"texting is a form of literature"? You surely must be kidding me. I said emotion cannot be properly shown in SMS (text) messages, unless you're the loathesome ass that puts :-) and 0) in every message, which is far worse.
Once you have an interest in a guy and you don't keep the pressure on him to date you, you lose to his pressure. Did you read that, Sark? No, of course not, you're too busy writing condemnation in the form of blog comments. I consider you, completely, absurd. Good luck with the love life, you're just waiting for the next truck to run you over, in the name of love. Breakup by text message may forever be your curse. RP
Great hub! to be honest I think my relationship with the girl I loved would have lasted longer if we didn't text at all. Just like Facebook it is ruining our face-to-face social interaction. I plan to not text my next girlfriend at all.
Your certainly agresive in your responses, which is to be expected I suppose considering it is your opinion that you put out there. However I think your capable of being a bit more professional then, "you must be kidding me". I did in fact read your entire post, that's why I responded to it, to jump to the conclusion that I didn't read it shows a little irrationality. The part you replied with that I "didn't read" was the exact kind of tone set by the post that proves my point. Is it a good thing for a women to subcumb to a womens pressure like you encourage? No. I'm not sure where exactly you're from, but in society the mam takes the lead. And not everyone has to agree with that, but to male dating seem like a competition is unfortunate. You're simply confusing people. Lastly, you don't know me or my love life, so don't make statements about it. Thanks.
Sark
To sark:
No, you missed the point and, yes, you revealed a lot about yourself, even if you feel you didn't.
I'm not an idiot, everyone needs help, sooner or later, with dating and the decisions they make. You just need more help than most, sorry to say.
To all the others:
read the article again. I try very hard to make the point that texting, like any other fantasy sport, leaves a lot open to interpretation and a lot can be misunderstood because of what is said, and what isn't said.
Make the call, not the text, and you'll have areal connection, maybe as good as the one you fantasize about!
I just read this, I dont even know how I initially came across this article. Although I agree that email and text, are just written words, there is no tone to denote a mood or feeling, everything gets lost in translation, when there is no inflection. I've sent my sister an email and she took it all wrong, assuming I was mad at her, when in fact I wasnt. explaining that to her after the fact was hard, and even though I explained it to her, she still wasnt sure.
Texting in relationships is dumb, call each other and talk like people, having your face stuck in a little device regardless of how awesome it is, I dont want to have to be starring at my Iphone4 and tying to decipher a simple message, when it shouldnt require that much thought anyway, like if a persons mad, or being tricky.. hah. who knows.. The very first time I have ever texted in my whole life has been through the month of august 2010 I avoided texting for this reason because its so impersonal, but I started to text with my long distance friend, and if I didnt hear back from him, or if he didnt hear back from me, it was always a question if the message was misconstrued or even received, it was his idea to text, we used to just email or talk via messenger, but he asked to text me while I was away on holidays, and I admit it was nice hearing from him while iw as sitting on the beach, yet since having had no experience with texting before, I knew that there were these unwritten rules to follow, like not texting back right away, or at all.. all the little games are not for me.. I dont care if I text right back, my phone is usually right next to me, and I make time for my friends. to many rules.. thats the only reason i'd stop texting.. dont even mention picture messaging.. yikes..
I got told last night via text by a guy I scolded on myyearbook for asking for my friendship and then not sending any further messages that he thinks I am priceless. He *really* wants us to work toward something/me to give him a chance.
We have communicated via text, yahoo messenger and in person twice and I am not enthused about his personality at all just yet so reading this was a smart way to cut out the BS and save some energy I will be needing for an upcoming surgery.
Hi Laura,
I am so glad to have opened up the true channels of communication for you. Have a speedy recovery!
RP
Great advice...really opened my eyes to how guys think. However, would you recommend it for a guy who you've been interested in for a while who plays the texting game, or would you say this advice only works on a new guy when things are first developing?
Hi Leah,
When a simple text message exchange becomes a texting conversation it has already crossed the line.
A guy texts because the odds of being rejected on a text are quite low and if he doesn't hear back right away then there are all kinds of reasons he can satisfy himself with you didn't text him. But he will not call you.
He's just too afraid of rejection for you to hear his voice.
If you want to have a guy ask you for a date then end the texting merry-go-round and either call him instead of texting a reply or text him "Call Me".
This advice will change your life forever!
PS. You're welcome (in advance)!
I agree great advice. I've been on this texting/instant messenger merry go round for months now and I am just now trying to see if anything can be fixed or continued because of it. I met this guy online ... And I am older, I'm 50 and he is 60. So the relationship started with chatting since it was online. We live about an hour apart and I have kids at home and he has a very busy job also, so getting together has not been easy. We never met in person until about 2 months after meeting online. We both seemed to like each other and had a great time. Because of our schedules we have only really seen each other once a month for the last 3 months. But we have fallen into this texting relationship and I just cannot handle it. Sometimes it's convenient.. But when someone tells u he hasn't contacted u for a week because he was out of town and he broke his phone and forgot his computer, I think it's a load of bs. Also, the dreaded line of... Sorry my battery died!!?? Just yesterday I decided to put a stop on my end to texting. How do I go from months and months of constant texting to nothing with him? Do I wean off of texting? Lol this sounds so ridiculous, but it has gotten so out of hand. I feel like I've fallen in live with someone thru texting.. But I am old enuf to know that I have fallen for a fantasy in my head. I know I haven't seen or talked to him enuf in person to have any deep feelings. Help?
Text, twitter, facebook, emails, skype all have their place in the modern age as a means of introduction but not when it comes to deep relationships, linking, bonding or falling in love with someone.
Face to face, in a crowded room, on a windswept beach, under a canopy of stars...if you want to link with another soul that is where you should be. Not isolated at home siting behind an impersonal computer screen or thumbing away on a lifeless plastic phone.
God the modern age depresses me! The art of in person communication is slowly disappearing to be replaced by an impersonal electronic link in which we can attempt to reach another but safely behind a technological screen! Never fully committing ourselves, never embracing what it is to truly love nor the pain in heartbreak. What an soulless world we are creating for ourselves.
Hi Karina, Tell him you canceled your text plan and ask him to call you from now on. A good way to measure his interest, don't you think?
I am so sick of the unsociable concept of texting.. I hate it. I remenber when a cell phone was an evasion ..now its gone beyond,, I dont know what your feeling.. I dont what your intending in these short words.. Are you mad are you angry,,,,OMG what the hell I want to put a bill through congress to outlaw these conversations that lack a human element.. My kids dont even know what a conversation really is.. What have we done in the name of teqnoligy? SPELL CHECK PLEASE...A social moron is what we have made of our children and our society... And my parents were wooried about me listening to Zeppelin and AC/DC..Were so screwd...
Hi Janie,
You hit the nail on the head. Conversations are gone. Speaking to the person you're with is out the door these days.
When is the last time you had a conversation with them and they weren't checking their email or texting someone else or checking their facebook wall.
Dammit, you've got to stand on your head to keep someone's attention for more than 15 seconds... and even that isn't enough more times than not.
you're an idiot RP
Hello rc, Thank you or your comments on my article. It's a rare event when an author comes across such witty and thoroughly absorbing remarks on something they've written, comments insightful and thought provoking all at the same time.
I certainly appreciate the hours it must have taken you to read through my article and hope that your headache from sitting so close to the screen goes away soon and that a cure besides sterilization is found for your genius.
RP
What a feminist.
Hmm.. no thanks.
I'm not exactly sure how I got here but i read this anyways and realized that I was doing something right, someone that I like would try to text me and I would call him as a response so knowing this is a good thing to helped. Thanks
RR, You dont know how helpful your artical is, now i understnd my bf even more and i'll stop chasing him with mt text, its true men they dont like texing much and they r so afraid of rejection, wen i text my bf and he doesnt respond i feel like he doesnt love me bu keep wondering why he's still with me? i started to ignore his calls and texts for a while then he kept texting and calling like baby are u ok? y not answering my calls and all tht...women i knw we love texting 24/7 but c'mon lets try stop texting and see hw our men will come to us crawling :)
GOOD LUCK
been friends with this guy for over 3 months now n we have been textin each other for the whole of the time that we've known each other...we recently told each other what we actually feel and we are kind of going out now..we exchange numbers just yesterday but he hasnt called me yet and still texting...i really lik this guy and hoping that what we got going on doesnt fades away as i have never dated over the internet and i feel like i would loose interest in him anytime...should i stop texting him and make him cal me even though i feel lik he really likes me too
I hate texting too, but saying "call me" when he just asks a casual "how was your week?" etcetera and i feel like he'll call expecting something major that i couldn't say through text. Is it not forward at all or will it scare him away?
Hi Angela, You can't love someone until you've been close enough to smell them.
Really.
So slow things down and hope that he really is the guy you think he is, not some pervert pretending to be someone he isn't.
A background search is always a good idea and always tell someone before you go into the real world to meet someone that you've met in the fantasy world of the internet!
RP
Hi JJ,
The "call me" is so he hears your voice, not the imagination of a hamster on a wheel pretending to be love. And if you don't really have anything to say to him why bother at all??
You won't scare him you'll make him love you all the more.
let him hear your voice no matter what!
RP
Somehow like the other I came across your article, and I just wanted to say thank you and I LOVE it. You are so right. This guy Ive been talking to is more into texting as oppossed to conversing , or so I thought. After reading this I told him to call me and he did. Our conversation was short and I enjoyed WAY more than any other day filled with texting. :) Thanks RP.
Hi Melissa,
I am glad that you took the first step. Keep on talking instead of texting and you'll have much better control over the direction of your relationship.
Cheers!
RP
wow this was so helpful thank you people
Very unique hub, I am new to the forum, and I will certainly learn a lot from you and others at hub pages.com. I would like to follow you.
Thanks
"But don't answer the text for a minimum 24 minutes" - I can imagine all those people watching the clock as those 24 mins tick by.
Very helpful! now I finally got it
Hi there! Got a question for you. I met this guy online maybe a week ago on a dating site. We exchanged several emails and I think we may click. In the last email I sent, I told them that I preferred texting or email outside of the site. I gave him my email and my cell number. He followed up quickly on Friday using my email. He first comment was, "Email or text does sound much better...in fact if you want to text me I'm at xxx-xxx." I haven't responded. You would think he would get the hint about calling me. Whatcha' think?
Hi Melly-Mel,
Sorry, but if you insist on "hinting" to this guy to give you a call by giving him your number and telling him to text you then don't expect much else than texts.
Guys are not mind readers, surprise, surprise... and will always take the most direct method of communication that avoids any type of rejection.
Telling him to write on stones and throwing them your way would be just as effective as telling him to text you and expect something else.
In this age of instant communication and instant gratification guys are aware that there is a cost to everything and if they expose their heart to a relationship there is always the chance that it will not work out and they will be rejected.
Fear of rejection drives most men into ways to communicate that are less personal and less intimate so they can reduce their "personal involvement" so that if they do get rejected they can then say to themselves "well, it wasn't really the start of anything, we just texted each other".
This is why I am against texting in a relationships initial stages.
If you want him to actually speak with you on the phone then you have to tell him so. But he seems to be rather short on the long strings, so to speak, and if you're willing to take the time to train him on how to behave properly with you, then good luck.
But in my experience you can't change a guy for the better so this might be the first red flag of this relationship.
RP
What will i do if my bf seems not interested anymore to text me or call me but i always do call him and use texting once in a while because that's what we have agreed to do..Will i continue on this communication set-up?Is it healthy in our relationship?Sometimes i wonder if he truly loves me thinking that i am always intiating the conversation.
Hi babes,
Stop calling him. By making you always come to him he's not only exerting control over your relationship he's setting up a great reason to break up with you - you're too needy.
Your relationship is not healthy and you need to find out why before it's too late. The first step is open and honest communication, not hiding behind a phone and text messages that don't portray real feelings and meanings.
RP
Hi I completely agree with your article. I have a question for you. I met a guy and he expressed interest. We exchanged numbers and that was almost 3 months ago. We started texting and that is how we ran the course of our "talking" He wanted me to visit him (he was long distance) so I did...the times I told him to call he did but they were few and far between...I had some reservations just because he is slightly younger than I am but I really did like him...so we went out on 2 dates when we initially met...then he left to go back home for a 2 months then I vistied for a week. We had a great time but about a week after my visit even after him stating how much he liked me and we planned another trip together he stopped contact...period...nothing. I know I was NEVER an initiator of any texts or calls and he would tell me to call him or text and I never really did...like NEVER...just wondering if it was a case of him just bulls**** me for 2 months long distance or could it have been my nonchalant attitude of showing interest but not really????
Regardless I have stooped to the level of checking my phone often and I cant contact him bc I got a bit hurt by the sudden halt in everything so I deleted his info...
And I agree it should have never started with text at ALL...
Hahaha actually I should say its a bit of a rollercoaster..I check my phone incessantly and then I will turn around and turn it off for days so Im not looking at it and dont get hurt that he has not yet contacted me...because I know he probably wont but I should also state that I do not like a lot of guys...so if I devote any time, energy, or effort its usually a big deal
Hi BN,
Step one: Call your cell phone company and get a detailed billing of the months when you were in contact with him. That'll get you his number for just a few dollars.
Step two: Contact him but keep the conversations real, not text (imagined). You never know, he might be the one that got away. And if he isn't...
Step three: Forget about him.
Best of luck!
RP
Everyone should realize the author of this blog is just promoting an e-book written by an infomercial guru.
Communication works in all forms. Remember love letters? Prior to the popularity of the telephone people wrote to each other.
Yes, one can express emotion through the written word.
If you do not understand a text, IM, or email, simply ask for clarification. This eliminates incorrect assumptions.
As technology advances, we need to adjust and adapt with it.
Hi nesmp,
Everyone needs to learn sometime, that's why we read. But how do you know what to read if not for being told about an easily found ebook, book, website, article, whatever.
Thanks for your comment but don't be so pessimistic, that's a losing attitude for sure.
RP
Hi...thanks for your article but i want your help on something. me and my bf are in relationship since 2yrs and very serious to marry each other. now, i am finding that he has started takin me for granted and started spending weekends with his friends and i have taken a back seat. reading ur article i have started stopping texting him when he is out on weekends but now he is after me as to why i have started ignoring him, is it i ve found interests in someone else. blah blah blah. now even if once a day i think of sending him a sweet goodnite msg he reply with such a cold and plain response. it makes me feel that he has started showing me his attitude and anger and taken it on his ego since i have reduced texting and calling... plz advise me!
Hello Tiya,
I have another article that should be of interest to you:
http://rpseudomen.hubpages.com/hub/My-Marriage-is-
The communication you have with this man has broken down and obviously needs to be fixed.
You cannot change how he is acting about you until he knows and understands your feelings of insecurity of your relationship. This goes well beyond texting and messages.
I don't think he's serious any more but you need to find out now.
Good luck,
RP
Hi, I have a friend from college who use to have a big crush on me and I was not interested, now 16 years later both of us in our careers and not married, I found that I love him and he says he loves me also. The problem is, he ONLY wants to text. We have gotten in major discussions about this texting thing. I have let him know how I DO NOT LIKE all the texting and he has yet to correct it. He will now even text me to tell me, oh I'll call you shortly. Sometimes he'll call and sometimes he'll just keep it to a text. He said he just prefers to text, because he's not a phone person. I don't believe that. Do you think this is his way of saying he's really just not that into me. We both are 34 years old, he'll be 35 next month. Much too old for all of this texting! Our conversations will at times go on for a full day of texting. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks.
Hi Cathy,
This is going to be a sticking point in your relationship. The guy you love is still very insecure so he keeps it to texting. Maybe.
OR could he be texting you on the sly because he cannot make a phone call at the moment, such as he's at work?
Just do not reply to his texts and resist the urge to read them when they hit your phone, eventually he will get the message to make a voice call.
Don't let this be a deal-breaker, I'm sure he has worse habits that you'll want him to change but by not replying to his texts with a text he'll hopefully come to the realisation that to communicate with you he has to make the call.
Good luck,
RP
it is good
Hiya RP:
Just an update. I sent him an email and told him that I rather talk to him than continue to email/text. He called the next night and now we are going on our first date Sat. I've got to learn to be totally direct in this courting dance! Thanks! Btw, I wish you had an open Q and A forum....
Hi Melly-Mel,
Congratulations!
And this is the forum "hubpages style" to keep questions to be related to the article. But I'll do my best to answer anything you ask.
Have a great first date!
RP
I totally LOVED this! I have had this thing with this guy were we have texted almost everyday since the summer. I mean, we see each other too (LOL) but there was a lot of stuff that he was saying via text that I was like...hmm, how does he mean that? And why does he never call me? I was getting fed up because now he is saying he is interested in me but he just sends text messages. I came across your article because I was just telling a friend of mine that me responding to his little texts makes him think that that is okay and that all he has to do to get by and impress me or work for me is send texts. Nope! Step up the game, buddy :) So I did some googling and came across your article for good proof!
This article was such a revelation and SO true! I am going to begin to test it..even though I am semi-scared to talk on the phone with boys! But, practice makes perfect LOL! I already have my bridge sentence. A lot of the time he will ask me how my day has gone and I will reply: "Why don't you call me later and find out? ;)"
Wish me luck :) And where should the texting stop? We have like, these little texting games where we send pictures and have these phrases we use...oh dear, this is sounding ridiculous now. We have become WAAAAY to set in these texting habits. But at what point in a text back and forth does it need to switch over to talking?
Hi srriahf,
I'm happy you found my article too!
Life is a 3-D experience and we all lose something as we take away the dimensions. We lose vision, we lose sound, we lose touch and now with texting we lose all of the physical indicators that help us to decode the real meaning behind the message.
Face-to-face and ear-to-ear communication, in its various ways, allow us to assess the emotion behind the message and maybe even a more honest understanding of how something is being said instead of just the words, do you get me?
Now, with texting, all we have are letters on a screen, emotionless and easily misconstrued.
If we don't add emoticons [and other such emotional dots and dashes] then where does the sarcastic person begin to communicate? Or the honest person even when she is misunderstood?
Verbal communication allows us to understand the emotion behind the words. And dependence on electronic communication is very much open to miscommunication.
Did you know that email was never intended to be an “instant” message? The inventors of the email system could not know, effectively, how fast or slow electronic communication would be received.
How do you feel when you don’t get an instant reply to your instant message? That empty time period is one of the most controversy-creating events of any relationship, beginning with “Why didn’t you answer me?”
As for your question in our current electronic age you are not going to be able to completely escape the text message without being described as a Luddite. But you should limit text messages to information and not emotion. This distinction is most important to every relationship.
While love allows for intuition texting does not.
Good luck!
RP
thank you, i found this so helpful
is it bad idea to keep sending text messages of how you feel to a person that isn't interested in you?
I mean i really like this person and I sent her text messages describing my feeling towards her, sometimes I get replies and sometimes i don't. I'm wondering if I keep sending her text messages maybe someday she would fall for me.
Hi G,
Yes, it is a bad idea. It sounds like you're "text-stalking" her.
If you want her to fall for you, how would you date, also by text? (sarcasm)
If you really like her you'd face her with your feelings, not text them.
And remember what Judge Milian of the People's Court says "Say it, forget it, write it regret it." A text may end up being more permanent that you intended, especially if your love sours on her and you find someone else, then she shows the text messages to your new love. Ouch!
Get real, talk to her in person and good luck!
RP
Hello R Pseudomen,
Thank you for thee advice. I'm one of those persons that is really shy and scared on facing woman, but I will be brave and face her.
I'm going to keep on trying and convinced her that she is the one for me.
Hi R,
Thank you for your great post,I got to know a guy thru friends and unfortunately we live in different countries and we got to know each other alot thru texting ans sending images thru blackberry, we rarely call each other and he decided to come and see me and he doesnt want to get attached before we see each other and i think he is right but how can i wait and stop my self from texting him till he comes and he still doesnt know when he is coming coz he is really very busy..he deosnt text me much like before but i trust that he is coming i just got so confused coz nothing is keeping me going on and i cant put my self on hold.do u have a solution for me?i think he is worth it !
Seriously, this post is so informative! I was left confused by this guy I've been dating for months. I thought he was mysterious (because i could never fully decipher what he meant or how he was feeling). He would never respond to my texts right away but when he finally did he would have the perfect response. I assumed early on that we would definitely become exclusive but I was wrong. Months and months went by and I started to feel like he was stringing me along. If only I had read this posting I would have been able to weed out the bullcrap and find out whether or not we were compatible.
Hi Dannie, I wish you had found this article sooner too.
Love is precious and should not be wasted on some idiot guy that wants to lie to you and play the field.
Don't feel too badly for yourself though, this is how the media raises males these days (they don't deserve to be called men!) because their parents don't teach them values.
So no more texting as the main source of communication and you'll find "him", the man that deserves you.
Good luck!
RP
Hi R,
What if the person I'm texting to lives in a different state? I'm messaging him thru facebook because he doesn't have a phone. We text almost everyday, for over a month now. I met him twice in person, but we didn't really have a chance to really talk. It was after he came this summer, that we started messaging thru Facebook. Our messages get really deep sometimes, and we're good online friends in a way. He wanted to come visit me, but it didn't work, so he's trying to come by this Summer. I suggested that we skype, so it's more personal, but he told me he doesn't “do Skype.” I don't know what to do, he thinks we could make it work. We're pretty much just friends, but I don't know what to think since we talk a lot.
Hi Carrie,
Thanks for asking this question. Let me ask you one: who messages who on facebook first? Are these just very long conversations taking place over days and days?
Texting and messaging are very much one-dimentional and any emotion conveyed by typed text is fictional and assumed.
Are you getting an honest conversation from him or are all of the emotions you feel towards him in your own head?
My own concerns about a relationship carried on over email and texting, when there are much better options available, limits the honesty of the relationship and deludes both people into imagining what the other person's emotions are.
The LOVE is a FICTION in your own HEAD.
Guys prefer texting because they are then NOT EXPOSED to EMOTION and without being INVOLVED EMOTIONALLY they avoid their VERY REAL FEAR OF REJECTION.
And EQUALLY they have LESS INVOLVEMENT in the RELATIONSHIP so if there is a BREAKUP the guys can say that THE WOMAN WAS TO PUSHY, or EMOTIONAL, or CLINGY and a hundred other ways guys explain REJECTION from WOMEN.
If your guy doesn't want to be honestly involved with you he will avoid any type of two or three dimensional communication. He will make you dependent on your own emotions to carry the relationship forward without equally involving his own emotions.
In a nutshell he's lying to you.
YOU have to figure out WHAT THE LIE IS and what he's HIDING FROM YOU.
I hope this makes the issue of texting as the primary communication channel clearer for you.
RP
Thank you RP,
Thanks for answering my question! To answer your question about messaging, sometimes I am the first, sometimes he is the first. They really are just long conversations that take place for days and days.
We do have honest, friendly conversations. He said that he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea about who he is as a person.... He's convinced that I can get to know him through messaging. I don't think he is hiding anything. Not long ago, this came up accidentally, and he said that he has nothing to hide from me. But I shouldn't believe everything, since you suggested that he may be LIEING to me about something.
I agree that texting can be very one-dimensional, because one can make assumptions and interpret things wrong. However, it seems that we understand each other very well. We honestly get along well, and agree on most things. If I don't understand something, he takes the time to explain it to me.
For now, we call each other friends. Maybe it is just a long-distance friendship, and the love can be a FICTION that I have imagined.. But I know that he does CARE about me. He even said he would cherish the day that we meet again. Little things like that indicate that he likes me.
He seemed upset that he couldn't visit. I found out through a different person that he was looking for a way to visit. But he did tell me he had a desire to visit, and that it didn't work out-- he will try to visit during Spring Break or Summer. He told me that it's in his intentions to see me in person. I actually asked him yesterday if he would want to talk on the phone, and he said yes! So I think this could be a better way of communicating: talking on the phone sometimes, rather than messaging daily.
I guess it may be helpful for you to know the age group here. I'm 18 and he's 21. He's currently in college and told me that he will definitely try to come see me.
Thanks again :) Carrie
Hey, I'm currently seeing someone, he texts me once a day, and only once. Not sure if that means he's interested or not. Beginning to hate texting. I would call, but don't want to bother him. We might be going to a show together soon though.
Thanks for writing this, I guess I'll stop texting.
Hi Lucy,
Yes, stop texting. If you've read through the comments you'll find the success that others have found by telling the guy to call her as a reply to his text.
Do you really feel so insecure that any type of communication from a guy is better than no communication at all?
It's time to put a value on yourself, on your friendships and on your relationships.
You'll find your expectations of how others treat you rises with your self-value and the true value of your relationships will become more important to you.
Good luck,
RP
I'll try! Thank you. Just find it so hard to read him.
But I'll give it a shot.
Hi Lucy,
Stop right there!
DO NOT TRY TO "READ HIM".
The language used to communicate in any relationship should never be "open to interpretation".
If you have to guess what the true meanings are with what he says to you then your relationship is on avery rocky road, you just may not yet know it,
My advice is to be speaking plainly with him and if he gives you ambiguous or noncommittal answers, question him more, but politely.
Don't get fooled by double-talk.
Remember, when you have to guess his meaning with the words he's using then you're only romancing yourself.
Good luck!
RP
Hello RP. I've just read your article and you're right. Texting doesn't have any emotion attachment nor anything personal. Relationships needs to connect on the emotion and personal level. I've grown up without any guidance since I was six and been responsible for my siblings since. I've learn the hard ways in relationships with men. I appreciated men like you trying to help others to find happiness and avoid getting hurt. I will do just that, no more texting. Thanks.
This was helpful to my situation. I am in a mostly text relationship with a man that I grew up with. His mother and my mother is best friends. Both are widows. He and I both have been put into situations where we have to look after our mothers. He works 80-90- hours a week. And to top that off, he has a wonderful heart, but is not too pretty. I feel that his self-esteem is low and he is scared to say what he feels. Any time we speak on the phone or in person, he gets nervous. And I can tell it. His conversation goes to work. But just as soon as I am out of his sight, he texts me with more personal conversation. He speaks of things he would like to do with me in the future. He asks about my kids, talks about his.
So I think that is why a lot of men use texting more than calling. Shyness and fears.
I think it's easy to read other people's emotions through texting, and personally find it extremely boring to talk on the phone. However, I believe you are correct in the fact you should not base relationships on texting; meeting in person is way more important. Also, since there is a little mystery in texting, you do tend to associate certain feelings with some messages. As long as you teach yourself not to do that and base the relationship on how you feel when you're in person, I believe you'll be okay. Even if you text every now and then.
If a man actually goes with the way a girl treats him if she does so according to this article, he is whipped. If he wants to put up with that much inferiority, so be it. I know that I'm definitely not one who likes to follow. I like to be a leader, and I will lead relationships in the right direction myself.
Interesting article though.
Hi John,
You seem to not agree, and agree. Life isn't this confusing. One of the reasons why I wrote this article is to help people realize to not depend on interpreted emotions.
You don't know if I'm laughing at you or being serious as I write this. So are you the joke here?
No, of course not. But texts do not convey emotions unless you really, really know the person well and even then there are always sentences that are "open to interpretation" that may lead to an unintended arguement. Or worse, a friend has grabbed your phone and is texting pretending to be you.
Do you still know who you're communicating with? Of course not.
Good luck in the New Year, I think you're going to need it.
RP
Yeah I agree with your article. The fact that you shouldn't assume others' emotions is correct, but as you said, if you know the person really well which is often the case for me, then it's easier to tell how they mean it. When there is a scenario where a statement is open to interpretation, simply don't over-analyze it, or ask for clarification.
However, the intent of your article is correct in almost all cases. There are ways which you can text and be okay, though. That's all I'm saying.
Have a good one.
the person who wrote this article is in need of deep and prolonged psychological therapy geared towards multiple objectives: a: Lose the nuts she has begun to grow return back to being a woman. b: Begin to love men instead of hating them. c: realize that as she behaves right now, no real man IN HIS RIGHT MIND would ever touch her with a long stick.
Hi Niko,
You're an idiot.
I am a MAN.
RP
I disagree with the article. You're trying to make dating seem like a game of one upmanship. Some people are bad on the phone, some people express better themselves via the medium of the written word. You are essentially saying, Call or no don't bother. In short, either call or we do not communicate. That makes no sense and to try and form a relationship on the basis of arbitrary rules based on opinion is not rational. The best way forward is to communicate; if you prefer calls, let the guy know. Stop playing mind games and things will go better.
Ah, you say, but look at all the positive comments I've received about my article. Of course you will receive positive comments. Given the article title is "You need to stop texting now", surely people attracted to the article are those who agree with that sentiment.
You are, unfortunately, over analysing things here.
Hi AnonMouse,
Afraid to speak with your real voice (name)?
Just because YOU have nothing to say doesn't mean that SOMEONE you're DATING doesn't still want to HEAR your voice to get a HINT of how you EMOTIONALLY FEEL about THEM.
And it's not "over analysing things", it's being a REAL MAN not afraid to Voice his OPINION.
And YOU know what that says about YOU... LOL.
RP
This is a very insightful and well written article. It's funny, I ran into this post only a few minutes after deciding to significantly cut back on the amount of time I spend texting this girl I'm interested in. I am afraid that texting has already caused enough damage. I took the initiative and asked her out yesterday (face to face, the only way in my opinion), but due to some unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, I will not be able to see her in person for about a month. However, through texting it seems as if we have exhausted virtually every topic, before I ever even began to think about the negative repercussions that such a limited form of communication might induce. I am afraid now that when I actually can spend time with her and try to truly get to know her, we will have nothing to discuss, and she will lose interest in me. It doesn't help that she is rather shy, and not the best conversationalist. Can I redeem myself, or is the damage I may have caused our potential relationship irrevocable? I realize that my question may be beyond the scope of this article, but any advice you can offer I will gladly accept. Thanks!
Hi Tim,
You will find redemption through communication. But while she's away keep the texts to a minimum and maybe call her every other day (or Skype!) and see how she's doing.
Good luck,
RP
I am a guy myself, and I want all the women out there to realize that us guys aren't that complex. Sure, we can plan a date out over text! You don't have to demand exactly what were doing over the phone...that would completely diminish the purpose of being emotional in a relationship. If you don't think words can show emotion, try reading a novel sometime. Words can completely convey emotion! I text my girlfriend all of the time, and if something about that ticks other guys off, they certainly are strange ones.
Ps. I read some of these comments and you are just FULL of it RP.
Hi WOW,
Lk im sure ur gonna txt emotis btr becuz u share sum secret chat w/ ur gf. duh. she'll do btr not hearing ur voice anyways.
And what real man needs to qualify their remarks with "You don't have to demand exactly what were doing over the phone"? (were = we are, I assume.)
Fearful of being caught in a lie, or are you truly so simple that what she sees is exactly what she gets?
For the sake of the next generation I hope you're a fan of birth control.LOL
RP
WOW is so "uncomplicated" that he bases his relationship with texts. Asking a girl out over text? How unromantic can you get? And he's comparing a novel that is supposed to be read by anybody to a text that is sent specifically to one person. That is like comparing apples to oranges. Sure, words can convey an emotion, but it can also be misinterpreted as well. Hearing the sound of a voice, the inflections, the tone, is much better than reading short-cut versions of words on a tiny screen.
Thank you so much. This article is very insightful and "eye" opening. I have been pondering this frustration with texting with my current gent and realize....texts ARE frustrating...With admission, I detest talking on the phone but have asked my gent to call instead of text as I feel disconnected when texting. His response, "you initially told me you don't like to talk on the phone"...Yes..I did say that, but now I am saying I would live to converse with you. So many things can be misconstrued, misinterpreted and taken out of context...The questions arise: Did I text something wrong? Did I not text enough? Did I text too much? Did I put one smiley too many or not enough smileys? Did he understand my innuendo? Did my "autocorrect" make him mad? Did I respond to slowly--too quickly? Do I sound like an idiot? Does he understand what I mean or say? The list goes on and on .And then we JUMP for the vibrate or ring tone...and then give a crazy eyed blank or wicked look at our phone because it was not him or her...or see nothing at all on the screen. Our heart jumps then our heart drops. I feel like my relationship is with that "text tone" and not the person. I, for on,e have elected to ignore my gents texts and will communicate with him that he need to honor my wishes of a "cough, cough"-phone call--there I said it, I want to talk on the phone--if only for a minute or two. I want to hear his voice. Voices turn me on. I want to connect..a text does not connect. It is a "quickie" that leaves you wanting or wondering. An occasional text is fine...but to truly build a relationship--texting erodes the foundation of intimacy, connection and communication. So I, for one, give you major accolades RP for voicing why our "instant gratification" society is ungratified...duh...Anything worth value takes time, effort and connection. If not face to face, then on the phone or even "forgive me" Skype. I digress..and thank you.
Hi Kim,
Thank you for your comment. It feels so good when someone "gets it" and understands the damage that can be done with extended texts in a relationship and vow to change to voice calls that allow two people to share so much more than characters on a screen.
Bravo!
RP
I couldn't agree more with your article RP. Its what I have been thinking for such a long time. I always said that nothing replaces talking to someone over a coffee and seeing their eyes, their mouth, hearing expression in their voice, a tilt of the head, a twinkle in the eye, all things that can turn a few dead text words into an entirely differnt thing. Texts are wide open to misinterpretation and they cause anxiety as we become slaves to the beep of the phone and how long it will take to get a reply to our text!
I was friendly with a widower recently - its 2 years since his wife died. We met twice and exchanged mobile phone numbers. He bombarded me with texts. Initially this was fine. But I got tired quickly. I didnt want to be pushy but emailed him twice saying how much I disliked texting for the very reasons I mentioned above. I asked him to either ring me or meeet again for coffee. He agreed and said we would meet again. We didn't so far. Over Christmas the texts got fewer and fewer. I was hurt but knew Christmas was hard for him. Then I decided to completely stop any texts to him at all. Suddenly he started up again asking how I was? When I replied he would quiet again for another day or so. It seemed to be all on his terms. Grrr!! Since New Year I have stopped again and that's it for me. My Christmas was tougher than it should have been because I kept waiting for his texts. I think I was just a crutch for him - but it was driving me mad. Texting is a false form of friendship and communication and really means so very little. If I am worth knowing, I am worth speaking to!!
I know this is a bit more complicated because this man is a widower - but the rules are the same. I am glad I was the one to put an end to the texting - it showed me very quickly the truth of things. I am also glad I came upon this article this evening as it completely backs up my own experience. It takes more balls to speak person to person - but surely we are all worth that!
Hi Sweetmaggie,
I am also glad that you found this article... it's a tough world and it's just too easy "not commit" to a relationship with texting.
YOU, and every person out there, is worth a phone call, or a coffee date, to move forward with any type of friendship or relationship.
It's OK (I'll admit) for the occassional text between friends and significant others... but to center the relationship on texting is just plain WRONG.
I hope that my article, and the comments like your's, will save many people from walking down the path of "false hope" and find love with someone that knows how to communicate honestly and truthfully (and as verbally/intimately as possible).
RP
Good advice!
i disagree. a real man doesnt want a woman to put him in his place, he finds his own place..he takes charge of the relationship and progresses it at the pace he feels is right and he takes control of the dates and what the couple does together...if the man doesn't, then the girl will slowly lose respect for him because he is no longer acting like the man should
I both agree and disagree with this. Yes, emotions in texts can be lost if you're not careful of how you word things. At the same time, as it is with me, a lot more thought goes into what I say in a text then when I improvise in an impromptu conversation. If you word a text correctly, it can hold more emotional value then any spoken response could. This is not a definite every time thing, but once in a while, on occasion, they do.
As for calling. I hate talking on the phone personally. It's like nails on a chalk board most of the time. I don't know exactly why this is, but everyone has their own feelings, likes and dislikes, pet peeves. Sometimes I think it is because I feel like I'm talking to myself. Other times talking out loud makes me feel unintelligent, and I hate that feeling. Talking on the phone is one of my pet peeves. If you ask me to call you, don't expect it to happen. I answer the phone for one person, and one person alone. My mother, strictly cause she's been there my entire life and know absolutely everything about me. Plus, she's incredibly slow at texting.
I'm like this no matter how much I love and care for a person. Even my sister, who is as close to a mother to me as my actual mother.
But I do agree, texting should not completely over rule a phone conversation. Just the simple sound of someone's voice can go a long long way and fill voids you didn't know existed. For me though, I'd prefer you text me and ask me to hang out and meet then to just call. That gives both face time and voice time. Why not? Stop letting phones control your life. It's come to an era where no one actually has to ever meet anyone face to face. This should never be. It's a far cry from being positive to the existence of humanity.
But like I said, everyone has their own feelings, and I'm glad you put this out there for people to read. It's worth the read. It's always good to get someone else' perspective on things. Thanks!
So what if you tell him to call you back in ten and he doesn't? Do I answer if he calls me late anyways. Tell him I'm busy? Just ignore the call? Please help!!!!
I'm dealing with a man that said he doesn't want a committed relationship with me, due to his financial situation. I leave him for weeks & he said he missed me terribly but then when I return he still keeps browsing and adding other women as friends to his profile on the internet. He knew from day one, that I didn't like that and I'm about to leave for good. Should I?
-Thank you
Hi Dawnielle, Yes.
Once you give an ultimatum like that you need to stick with it. Or you're setting the ground rules for him to do what he wants no matter what you say because your threats are meaningless.
Good luck,
RP
I met a really good looking guy on the tube platform last night. He gave me his number and then when I said, do you want mine, he said, I was too worried to ask you for yours in case you didn't give it to me. He acted overwhelmed. Said it was amazing to meet me.
Both got off at the same station, I live there, he was visiting friends. He hugged me. We exchanged texts along the lines of ''wonderful meeting you, what were the chances, we must meet and night night x'
This morning I texted 'Ah, so there is a text from a J*** H****** on my phone. I did wonder if I might have dreamed you up. Very glad that I hadn't. Lol. x'
So, far, no answer. Was this too much too soon? Should I have waited for him to text. Obviously, I will not text any more - but can anyone advise?
I've always considered myself to be an intelligent woman. And yet I'm baffled by my own behaviours with this guy.
It's been two years of a long-distance "relationship" (he's on the other side of the country). I admit to participating in full-blown text conversations. I abhor it.
Why do I do it? He's doing his residency, working 80 hrs a week, on-call, night shifts, etc. All the excuses I use to justify why I accept his texting (i.e. if we don't text, I'd never hear from him).
It's hard enough to make plans to visit because of both of our work schedules. It's made even more difficult when we try to plan over text - especially with dropped messages, time delays, delivery errors.
We Skype periodically, which we both enjoy. But time differences and privacy issues don't always allow for it.
I've tried calling/leaving a VM. He either doesn't respond or he texts me back.
I've told him I dislike texting. I've explained how I feel when I don't hear from him (whether through technological error or him not responding). His response is that he's not a "phone person".
To make matters worse, he's definitely going through a low period in his life with friends/work/family (and, yes. I'd say he's depressed).
I know the information you've posted applies. I agree with what you've said. I'm just having a difficult time putting it into practice.
Any insight? Advice? Kick in the pants?
I have been dating this guy I met on Match.com for three weeks now. Before meeting he emailed me telling me how he thinks we would go really well together . We exchanged numbers and we mostly text I tried calling him he called back but the conversation was very short. I initiated meeting over that weekend so we dont spend too much time emailing and give a false imression of each other. We met he said he liked me when I told him he was the second date I have been on MAtch.com he said I needed more experience. We have been texting on a daily basis NO CALLS at allWe have been on 3 dates so far once we went out to eat, the other drinks and clubbing, and finally reataurant and movie at his house. . He wanted to have sex really bad but I told him I felt like I didn't know him. We kissed and fondled each other I slept over and we made breakfast and chilled and I left his house around 5pm. He told me to text him when I got home. When he said that I felt turned off like we are back at square one.
Well. the guy I met on the tube, has still not texted back, so I imagine that he never will. I just wonder why guys do that. Take your number, tell you they're astounded and the sheer luck of meeting someone as wonderful as you, then don't contact you at all.
Oh well. another lesson learnt - Do not bother giving a guy your number, tell them they can look you up on google and find you. Then, if they're interested, they'd find you. I think that is what I'll do next time.
Such a great article and true in every sense! Stumbled across this article since I'm having guy issues of my own regarding texting.
I will be the first to admit it's easy to fall into the habit of texting. I have recently deleted facebook and have no desire to start it up again due to the lack of proper communication. And now I feel the same way with texting and have also found myself in recent times calling people A LOT more. I think simply because I can find out a lot more about the person (moods) and it gives me an instant response.
This is my story about a guy. I was seeing this guy at uni since we had classes together. I was honest with him that I was going to wait for the right guy to come along to have a serious relationship with, and he made it clear he was 'soooo over relationships'. Long story short we didn't have classes together and since we live a fair distance apart our relationship would be based on texting COMPLETELY. I have not seen him since we had a mini break up when we ended uni together. Through texting though I would say I still liked him. But over time my feelings changed and I told him they would not go back to what they were. I can honestly agree and say this was because I never saw him and that is what builds a true relationship. The last status was that he was ready to try have a relationship with me but I don't want to see him at all now. However, all this being through text he somehow didn't get the message and would still just text. Most recently I thought, this has to stop so I told him that when he got back from his work trip to 'give me a call', also adding 'don't message me before then' (because i knew he would if I didn't make it clear this was important). So here I am waiting for a call and then he texts. I ignore the first, and then a second arrives and I ignore it too. He then calls at 1.30 in the morning and I ignore that too - like, cmon, i mean call me, but not at that hour!
So it turns out i am going to be in his town and decide to give him a call because I feel like I need to break up with him face-to-face because through texting the relationship won't go away (also because I feel it is the decent thing to do). But he doesn't answer. I am only going to be in his town for tomorrow only and want to meet up when it suits me. I will call again tomorrow morning. I am just wondering, if he doesn't pick up the phone again, should I break up with him over voice message? He has always been the one to reply instantly to texts and I know he wants to get back together, but I don't! And I feel as though he has ignored such a simple request to call me and I wish to be rid of this 'fake' relationship.
Hi RubyAnna, It is very likely that you pushed too hard, too fast. But you can still give him a call and plan to meet for a coffee somewhere.
Just don't text him! Speak to him. It's the same number, right?
Kick in the pants for you!
Set up a regular time to skype each other and if the time doesn't work out then skip it until the next time comes around. Maybe every Sunday night at 6:00pm you skype each other, if the time doesn't work for whatever reason you hold off on messaging until the next Sunday date-appointment comes around.
This will either build anticipation on his part or relegate you to the "dump bin".
Either way you'll finally have your answer.
Hi Confused, Dump him. He's likely a "serial dater" not looking for a relationship, just a quick roll in the hay.
There's better men to share your life experience with.
Don't paint all men the same way! Then again, maybe he has such a fear of rejection that he simply can't imagine himself to be with such an awesome girl as yourself.
His loss!
Hi RoxyAndy, Give him the opportunity to meet with you. If he doesn't meet with you then don't even bother texting him anymore.
Send him an email that says you're past such a fake relationship as you had together and you hope he can grow into the type of man that can appreciate an intelligent woman without feeling threatened in the future.
Thank you for your comment R Pseudomen, but I don't have the courage to phone him. He obviously doesn't want to know me, So I wont push him.
Having said that, I once had a pretty casual relationship with a guy, who was fun, but it was what it was. One of the rules was we would always respond to texts as it was our only form of communication and we kept it short. A couple of times he didn't answer.
One time, he phoned and invited me to a club. I said, that was great, and he said he'd get back to me in the morning and find out the details of the club. Well. I woke up and texted saying how much I was looking forward to it..... And I had no response from him. For four days. I only texted the once.
That was Saturday morning. On the Tuesday, he sent me a text, which I ignored. I ignored the next 5. Some were apologies, some were saying sweet things.
I ignored them all. The sixth text, made me laugh and gave me the perfect riposte. it was, 'Babe, are you getting my texts at all, because you're not responding... I am not sure if you're getting them as I really, really want to make it up to you and hear from you.'
My answer was ; -
'Yeah, it's a real bummer when a person ignores your text isn't it?'.
That did make me laugh. and I dumped him.... by text.
Thank you.
Hi RubyAnna, Excellent!! You handled that situation with poise, confidence and no lowering of your standards.
Still single??
RP
Yes................ Not sure if I have the confidence to find anyone.....
Hi RubyAnna, Give yourself time. Being single is important too!
RP
I will. I will also read everything you've posted to pick up some tips. Thank you.
It's intersting that the people negating your article sound very much like those who "fear rejection". I recently had this experience with 2 men-
The one I liked more out the gate, text me 90% of the time, and only called a couple of times to talk live (easy conversation). The other man only texted to arrange a time to call, and did call about every other or couple of days, which was a little awkward at first.
The texter and I got along great when we met for a couple of dates, and had a lot of chemistry, so I put more energy into texting him. The caller, not so much, but he was super nice, and a real gentlemen, just not as aggressive, or open about his feelings, as the other guy was being via text.
The texter kept texting, and it got hotter (via text). The caller kept calling, and we started to confide in each other (on the phone). The texter misinterpreted a couple of my texts one day, and responded according to his misunderstanding. I suggested he call and we talk, and when several days went by without hearing from him, I reached out again. He texted back that he thought I was mad at him. Even though, I texted back that I thought he misunderstood, and never was, he did not text or call me again, leading me to believe his feelings for me were never really genuine.
The caller kept calling, and after several long phone conversations, and a few dates, I was able to develop a deeper understanding of him, and began to care more and more about him. We are now dating very hot & happily, and we rarely ever text eachother. We like to hear eachother's voice when we talk because we like eachother- with out fear. I agree that texting serves a purpose, but at some point you have to move forward or you fizzle.
Im tired of these feminist movements.
I'm all for equality; however, you preach manipulation, as though it's appropriate to administer a formula when it comes to feelings of affection.
Now, for some men, I'm sure that texting helps them cope with the fear of rejection. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of abandonment. Yet, by nature, men are not as cowardly as you suggest.
I've heard tale of a day and age when love letters were adored by sweethearts and lovers. Technology might change, sure, but love is eternal.
Don't neglect your feelings--it's wrong to do so.
Hi EG,
Good for you!!
Now if others can figure out what you did right we'll have a lot more happy people around, instead of downed heads sobbing into their mini-keyboards wondering where things went so wrong.
RP
Hi Alex,
You missed the point entirely. But "the formula" you speak of is actual speaking.
I hope you get a clue and start to date someone soon because you really need to be taken care of in a big way.
Good luck!
RP
*wink*
Great article. I do have a question, though. I was supposed to be on a date today (you can so tell where this is going already) but then in the last minute he texted and cancelled, saying he was at work and couldn't pick up when I called him, asking if I was free on Sunday. I understood that he was working and couldn't call, so I texted back saying that I wish he had warned me sooner, and to call me at 21h to talk about Sunday plans.
He still decided to text, saying something about being free Sunday after lunch and that we'd talk later. I was upset by it but decided to wait for a little to calm down, so 3 hours later I texted him saying "I wish you had called when I asked you instead of discarding me with a text. Good night"
And now I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I want to know why he cancelled things in the last minute and I want to know why he didn't call when I asked him to. But should I just ignore his texts, call him, allow us to talk through skype? I do feel a tad disappointed and don't really know what to do next. I'm not even sure of the way I handled it was okay in the first place.
Hi LJ,
He handled things badly. You have very right to feel disappointed and to express this feeling to him. Wait for him to call and if he texts you, reply "No more texting - call me at XXXX" and then have a very calm talk with him to make future plans.
Don't write him off yet, bad behavior can be corrected if he cares for you.
Good luck,
RP
I wanted to update you on my 'gorgeous man that i met on the tube platform' and had texted but he hadn't texted back. you said, I should have rung him but i didn't have the courage.
Funny, in my circle of friends, the guys, said, well. you texted him a statement, not open or left with any way to answer you, so he might be too scared or thinkg too much time had passed so you should text him and leave it open, ask him something, so you get a repsonse.
However, all my girlfriends said do not bother, 'he's not that into you'. Wednesday night at 10.30 I thought sod it, I'll text.
And texted the following - -Hi John, you might not remember me, but we met on the platform at Tottenham Court Road tube a couple of weeks ago. I just wondered if you'd be able to meet for that coffee soon'.
Immediatley he responded - 'I've been meaning to contact you for a while now, sorry about that. I'd love to. Let's talk tomorrow and sort it out. Hope you are wonderful. x'
I responded ' No need to be sorry, life is always busy and things get away from one. I'd really love to talk tomorrow, so do give me a ring. Take care.'
I thought, okay, if he doesn't ring, I will delete his number and not give him a moment's thought. But I did think, during the day, if he'd ring.
Anyway - at 13 mins past 10 pm, he texted me 'Evening colourful one, free for me to call in 5 - I hope you are wonderful..x' i said yes. and he called me.
I'd forgotten how wonderful his voice is. He sounds so nice the reason I'd asked if he does voiceovers. Very Posh, upper class english accent, but deep and sonorous.
Anyway, We now have a date! Wednesday evening, 6 days from now, and he will text me to arrange a time to call and discuss.
So............ thank you for your help, and watch this space. I mean, who knows!
Hello RubyAnna,
Thank you for the follow-up, I have been waiting to hear how things have turned out for you and I am so glad that it's positive news.
You have restored my faith in voice communications.
Have fun on your date, keep us updated.
Best of luck,
RP
Hi, no good news to report. Wednesday came and went and no text, nor phone call from Mr Tube station man.
So, I've now deleted his number (otherwise I might have been tempted to contact him again, sometime in the future against my better judgement!) and he is now, no longer on my radar.
I never normally give anyone a second chance and think this guy is probably a playa - but he did have both of his grandmothers hospitalised the day he phoned me (they're 89 and 91) and said that might make it awkward for him as he didn't know what might happen.
So, in his case, I might make an exception if he does get in touch in the future.
So, back to square one.
I am soo tired of this texting era. I wish men won't be such cowards. I am in a relationship with this guy and at first he was the one texting and texing and calling but now is the opposite, I was the one texting and calling until about a week ago. I stop because he's not returning my text and calls and I just wonder if he has changed his mind about me. I think I am older enough to understand if he doesn't want to be with me. But just stop communicating it's very unfair. I am wondering if I did something wrong. I just don't know.. It's been about a week now and nothing.. We used to talk for almost two hours every night for the period of almost three months.. Now it's nothing.. Why?? I cannot believe it, i am heartbroken and very disappointed. I used see him differently now I don't even think he can have my respect. I already know not to answer his text so I won't. Then, I think what if he calls? what am I going to do? HELP PLEASE
Hi RM,
If, and only if, he makes contact with you, expect only a phone call, and let him have it!
He has disrespected you and should not get off lightly for this immaturity.
As well, know that your relationship is over. The trust has been broken and very few men can ever earn that back.
I don't think your guy is pne of those few men.
Good luck!
RP
Hi RP, Thank you! I feel the same way.. This is OVER.. I am so thankful that it happened in the beginning and I did not invest years into this type of relationship.
Thank you for the advice to ALL women and MEN.
Me especially because I am hearing it from a guy's point of view.
THANK YOU!!
how come when i text this guys he doesnt text back or text back a little sentence or phrase nothing about what i asked him but anything out the blue. when i dont text him and just move on talking to other guys he texts i miss you or i wanna see you. its just so cat and mouse . i dont know if i should stop talking or what.
Hi Rain22, I think you've given this guy enough of your time. Let him miss you a little more and just stop replying to his texts. Find out what's really on his mind by talking to him only, no more texts!
Good luck!
RP
Its irrational to expect two individual with different preconceived expectations to just do one medium of communication. What should matter is what they are confortable with. Its both genders that hide behind texting. And the women that complain about men texting too much are generally the ones that dont have much to say over the phone. Its a two-way street! Men are not here to entertain you! I love talking on the phone but awkward silences make akward relationships. Let chatterboxes be chatterboxes and let texters be texters.
Hello. My story, is still going on. Mr hot platform guy, didn't contact me before our supposed 'date' on 15th feb so i deleted his number. End of story.
But, tonight, 6th/7th March at exactly midnight - I get a text from him saying 'When do we meet? Any day next week, if you are free. Hope you are great and shiny. x'
I do not get this guy at all. I was automatically responding, when I caught myself and deleted my response. I suspect he's had a few drinks and thought of the girl he met on the platfrom. Or he's on drugs right now - his text does sound a bit druggy! Lol.
Either way, I'm ignoring his text. What a shame he turned out to be a dickhead!
I have a long story, so here goes...I had a long term relationship with a guy in HS and I was friends with one of his friends, with whom I was attracted to. Thanks to Facebook we got in touch with each other. He called me a year ago we had long phone conversations and texting, he told me that he had always had a thing for me as well. He invited me to go to a work event with him (we live in different states now) to hang out. Then he stops responding to texts and calls. 6 months go by and I didn't hear from him, all of a sudden he texts me with an apology about not contacting me. He is a single father of 3 that gets little help from his ex (he has custody of his children). He flirts over texts says he cant wait to meet up again. I tell him that he should call me he doesnt. I go a few months without hearing from him again then I get a text that he misses talking to me. So we start texting again then all of a sudden nothing. Then in December I text him to see how he was doing, he acts excited to hear from me responds to my texts right away. Tells me that he was going to be up in my area that weekend for business but had to cancel because of child care. Then again I dont hear from him until this week, he sent me a text and I was happy to hear from him. We text back and forth and he tells me he will definitely be in my area for business next month he sent me his companies itinerary. He was away all weekend at work and we sent texts back and forth all weekend which made me so happy and excited...I know its stupid(I feel like I am trying to relive the feelings that I had for him when we were younger). I sent him a text last night telling him goodnight and sweet dreams and no response. At first I was a tad sad that I got no response, then I considered he was on EST and I'm on PST so I let it go. He then sent me a text in the afternoon, telling that he was sorry he hadn't responded sooner but he had been busy at work. I responded, that I understand he was working. He then sends me a text asking me what i was up to for the day. I waited 30 minutes and then responded, then asked what he was doing? Then again nothing...Then I see he posts his status on Facebook that he has a layover for 3 hours. I still get no response. His friends comment on his facebook and he replies to them the entire 5 people that commented on his status, and still has not replied to me. This speaks volume to me. I know that I need to not text him at all no matter how much I want to and if he texts me to respond with a call me. If he doesn't text me in a few days what do I do? What if he text me in a few weeks when he is here wanting to meet up? I need some assistance.
Hi Confused, I think you're right. Have him call you, forget the texts. The "relationship" you have with him now is for convenience only.
Play it by ear but stop getting excited about him.
Sorry to say but you're just not that high on his list of priorities.
I can understand it, him being a single working father, but still, he shows little in the way of common courtesy and isn't looking for a solid anything with you.
Friends and maybe a little whatever on the side, but don't expect much more until his lifestyle drastically changes.
Good luck!
RP
Hi. I met a man who is a pilot this past weekend. We met online and had a great date. While my expectations were low when we started, the night progressed to a really fun and quite an intimate evening of conversation (not physically, although we did share a few kisses). We stayed up all night and I saw him off to the airport. We promised to stay in touch with him wanting to fly back here. He texted me from the plane before takeoff and we continued our conversation through the day. Finally I cut it off and said I would talk to him in a few days. Well, I caved and texted him a "hey how's it going" he responded "super busy with work, flying to x location to x location and then again to x location" He didn't ask how I was or anything. I haven't responded to his text from yesterday as I felt like it was a dead conversation, however, I really want to talk to him on the phone and make plans to meet up somewhere. He has the opportunity to bid for flights back to my city, however, it isn't necessarily easy in the next little bit considering his schedule is already set and aviation rules don't allow for him to exceed a certain number of hours per week. His current cycle is really tight with no down time for quite some period of time. I am afraid if we don't speak we'll lose the momentum. Do I sit by and just hope he calls, or do I text him back and say "hi x, why not give me a call instead of texting, I miss your sexy (geopraphic location) voice. I purposely left out identifying details to be able to remain anonymous.
Hi Topgirl, I think you're earnest to keep what you have alive with him. Why don't you take the first step and only call him?
Just stop right now and give him a regular phone call. If your call goes to voicemail think of how grateful he will be to hear your voice!
Don't let this "texting battle" cloud the future you wish for, give him a phone call now!
Cheers!
RP
Hello RP. I met a guy 2 months ago and we have been texting on the regular since. We have only gone on 2 dates, one in which he initiated first & second in which I did (only because he expressed that he thought I didn't want to hang out w/him because I hadn't told him I did). The two dates were great. In the begininning, he expressed that he didn't like talking on the phone that often so we texted, all day sometimes and almost everyday. The crazy part is that we have had some very deep, intriguing conversations thru text. However, The texting has come down a bit, he usually initates most texts (goodmornings, how are you, etc). I initiate some also. However, texting is so impersonal. He calls sometimes, but its like a surprise.Also, there have been a few times when he doesn't respond or does so after an hour or a few hours but not all of the time. I have a liking towards him but feel like I only know so much about him. Is it too late for this behavior to change? He has indicated a time or two that he wants to see what will happen between us and asked me if I was down to see also. Last I texted him was yesterday to his response to my goodmorning text & he responded & reminded me that it was 30 days until my special day (bday. I texted him back asking how he was and he hasnt texted back. I'm not sure what to do.
Hi TD,
Read the response I gave to "Topgirl", directly above your post, your situation is very similar.
Once you are caught up in this "texting trap" you have to be the one to initiate the move away from it.
Besides, texts were never meant to be an "immediate reply required" type of communication. That is where so many people get caught up in this mess. (I'll probably get heck for that statement but it's the truth!)
So just STOP and try to REFORM him before it's way too late.
Best wishes,
RP
Hi,
This article absolutely gave me a new lesson of texting, but I am not sure very much about it in my case, as I am not an English native speaker while he is, and sometimes we met some difficult in making conversation, even face to face. He keeps texting me everyday, not call. Should I apply your advise in this case?
Regards,
LD
Thank you LD for your article & your response!!
Hi TD, Any time I can help, just post a note!
RP
Hi,
I loved your advise, only today my new boyfriend said i starting to do his head in. I called him when he was in a meeting he said he would call me back but i continued to text him. That made in really angry and said that he had load on at work and i was starting to do his head in.. i text back sorry i didnt realise, promised no more.. anyway after reading your article it made me think i become insecure and anxious and keep texting him. I will not text him unless its in an emergency.. thanks alot.
RP it worked!I tried this yesterday, He texted me good morning so I replied with "good morning, I would appreciate if you could give me a call later" & HE DID! Turns out there were a few things that he was waiting to ask/talk to me about instead of texting it to me. He also mentioned that he thought I didn't like for him to call me (don't know where he got that from) so I cleared that up really quick!! We were having a great convo & I told him that I needed to go & that I would let him go & take care of his business. He was disappointed and told me if I wasn't busy later to hit him up. IT WORKS PEOPLE!!! Thanks again RP for this great advice!!
Hi TD,
Congrats! Keep the conversations REAL and you'll have a great romance!
best wishes,
RP
What if texting is your only means of communication due to being hearing impaired????????
Hi Lynn,
I'm not sure how to answer the question other than:
If it's your ONLY way to communicate then yes, text away.
But I have to ask, how do you use the phone otherwise?
RP
I can hear somewhat on the phone but its just a big hastle so texting is easier for me to get in touch with people.
Hi RP
I loved your article, it was a slap in the face for me. I've been dating an "amazing" man for 5 months, we are so in love but he annoys me when he takes over 24 hours to write me back. I understand guys hate texting he even told me he tried to make time but something came up at work then I notice he writes friends on Facebook. If he has time for that surely he has time to text and say how am I?
Is it just is woman that like a man to see how we are and ask about our day? He is incredible when we are together and he's planned our future together but I really hate when he ignores me. Shall I just tell him ? Or shall I just ignore his texts and tell him to call me and then tell him that When I dont hear from him I feel I'm single again? I just dont want to seem needy although all I want is a boyfriend to be involved in my life even if we aren't together
I would really appreciate your advise as this texting business could end what could have been a beautiful relationship :(
You need to set up some "open communication" with him and ask him what the "relationship boundaries" are.
But really, it sounds to me that you're single whenever you're alone because he isn't sharing part of your day when you're apart.
RP
hi so should i stop txting the guy i like to get him to see me more then a friend.?
Hi Tris,
Yes.
RP
Do this and I dump the chick. No time for silly nonsense, if she wants my time, she can earn it. If it is an emergency, I get that calls are needed. But no stupid games
Hi Ace, You're a tough nut aren't you?
"Your way or the highway".
I'd like to know how well that works for you, in a year or so.
RP
evre one need to stop txtt
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Total bull crap! I'm a guy, and I know how to communicate over text messaging. The English language does have punctuation, you know..to help express yourself. The most frustrating thing for me is when a smart gal doesn't take the time to communicate right over texts. See, you women think that by not adding "smileys", exclamation marks, saying "Lol!" or "hahaha!", ....you think that by not texting that way, you're just making sure no one misunderstands you. When in reality, if you ever say, "Call me back from your phone, no texts right now please.", it sounds so incredibly serious, the guy is going to think you are mad or something. He's going to be unsure of your mood, at least. So you're actually miscommunicating.
Alright, look - why not just text like you would talk? Where's the shame in that? If you've got a good guy, he'll let you know if he's confused about something you said. And if he is, then clarify. If that doesn't work, sure -call him, get it sorted out, no prob. Why not. But that doesn't mean you have to sound like a damn stiff board every time he texts you!
Texting like you would talk is open to all kinds of misunderstandings.
And what's wrong with a real phone call.
I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s 3 years ago
Nice hub... great book as well. The title may sound threatening to men, yet I had the book at one time and it is great fir helping women to understand and communicate better with men.